This is not my ceiling
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
