dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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