Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
