So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i just made my gag reflex go away.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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