go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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