Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
