At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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