Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
