made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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