Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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