Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
