Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
