Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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