I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Boobs are out for the taking
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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