I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
