i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
