i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
