I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
