I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
