Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Randomize
