So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
