I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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