i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Holy sore nipples Batman
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
