Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
