My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
