Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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