remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
