turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
