Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
