listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
