When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
organizing the empties. That sober.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
