My pussy is not your playground.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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