I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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