Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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