i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
