Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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