Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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