Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
