My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
