The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
