Princesses don't give blow jobs
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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