Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
