The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
