Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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