As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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