I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
