Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
try to milk me bitch
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
