Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
