Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
