I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
