Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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