The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
